My mom went into a nursing home about three years ago. She went to the hospital and was never able
to return to her home. It was up to us
kids to sell or distribute all of her personal belongings, including the
house. One of my brothers always said
the day would come when we would drive by mom’s house—our house—and we would see little kids playing in the yard.
Well his prediction came true. I drove by her house several months after it
was sold and saw a child sitting in the window—in our window—above where the couch always was. What was he doing sitting beneath the window
sill that always held mom’s pretty glassware that sparkled in the sun?
The memories are powerful.
Good, solid memories made over 50+ years. It always broke my heart that
she was not able to return to our house.
She was too weak to walk up the handful of stairs into her kitchen. Her legs could not support her anymore. She was not strong enough to live alone. A nursing home was our only choice and one
she has come to accept.
It’s interesting that she accepted it because she always
said she would never move. But, as it
turns out, she has much more social time than she would have had at home,
sitting alone, waiting for one of us kids to visit. She has made many friends and enjoys weekly “bingo”
games. She knows the staff so well that
one might think she is one of them!
Maybe you have found yourself in a similar situation, where
it seems the dreaded nursing home is your only solution. Maybe you are riddled with guilt over making
the decision. If you are able to keep your parent in their home (or yours),
that can be a wonderful thing.
But there are times when that is not in the best interest of
the parent/child or spouse. Too many husbands and wives try to care for each
other at home, when they are not physically able to, compromising their own
health or that of their loved one, often because they made a promise to them
that they cannot bear not keeping. Promises can be made with the best of intentions,
but some promises need to be adjusted.
Faithfulness and devotion to a loved one can still take place, even in a
nursing home.
I know it is not home, and there are more limited choices
regarding food and other things, but it does not have to be so terrible. We have come to know the staff of our mom’s
nursing home, not to mention the other residents and even some of their
families. It seems that a community has
formed in the home.
Is it perfect?
No. Do we have complaints now and
again? Of course. But, it is what it is. As I said, sometimes families are just not
able to take care of their elderly relatives (and sometimes the elderly do not
want them to.) Also, it may be better in some situations for the parent and
their adult children to continue the parent-child relationship, rather than create
a patient/caregiver relationship.
But, in the end, the one thing that is most disturbing are
residents who have no one. There are
lots of reasons why people do not have visitors, but a lack of concern by
family members is the most heartbreaking thing to witness. If you do find it
necessary to have your loved one live in a nursing home, just be sure not to
abandon them there. They still need
strong family advocates, as well as someone to just sit and talk and listen to
their concerns.
And about that guilt, a wise priest told me one time to
decide what is doable in terms of weekly visits, and then commit to that. In that way, we can continue to carry out our
responsibility to other family members who may need us as well.
Accompaniment is an important part of love. Walking with each other is what we are called
to do. I am thinking of the mother of
Jesus and how throughout his life she walked with him. Her role wasn’t to take away his suffering,
but to be there with him in it.
What a perfect model we have in Mary, the mother of Jesus. As we celebrate her feast day on August 15th,
let us be grateful for a wonderful mother who continues to be our advocate,
even today.
(Please don't forget to subscribe to my blog if you like what you read! Feel free to send it on to friends & family, too!)
God bless,
Janet Cassidy
janetcassidy.com
No comments:
Post a Comment