Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Feeling guilty about using a nursing home? Read on . . .


My mom went into a nursing home about three years ago.  She went to the hospital and was never able to return to her home.  It was up to us kids to sell or distribute all of her personal belongings, including the house.  One of my brothers always said the day would come when we would drive by mom’s house—our house—and we would see little kids playing in the yard.

Well his prediction came true.  I drove by her house several months after it was sold and saw a child sitting in the window—in our window—above where the couch always was.  What was he doing sitting beneath the window sill that always held mom’s pretty glassware that sparkled in the sun?

The memories are powerful.  Good, solid memories made over 50+ years. It always broke my heart that she was not able to return to our house.  She was too weak to walk up the handful of stairs into her kitchen.  Her legs could not support her anymore.  She was not strong enough to live alone.  A nursing home was our only choice and one she has come to accept.

It’s interesting that she accepted it because she always said she would never move.  But, as it turns out, she has much more social time than she would have had at home, sitting alone, waiting for one of us kids to visit.  She has made many friends and enjoys weekly “bingo” games.  She knows the staff so well that one might think she is one of them!

Maybe you have found yourself in a similar situation, where it seems the dreaded nursing home is your only solution.  Maybe you are riddled with guilt over making the decision. If you are able to keep your parent in their home (or yours), that can be a wonderful thing.

But there are times when that is not in the best interest of the parent/child or spouse. Too many husbands and wives try to care for each other at home, when they are not physically able to, compromising their own health or that of their loved one, often because they made a promise to them that they cannot bear not keeping.  Promises can be made with the best of intentions, but some promises need to be adjusted.  Faithfulness and devotion to a loved one can still take place, even in a nursing home.

I know it is not home, and there are more limited choices regarding food and other things, but it does not have to be so terrible.  We have come to know the staff of our mom’s nursing home, not to mention the other residents and even some of their families.  It seems that a community has formed in the home.

Is it perfect?  No.  Do we have complaints now and again?  Of course.  But, it is what it is.  As I said, sometimes families are just not able to take care of their elderly relatives (and sometimes the elderly do not want them to.) Also, it may be better in some situations for the parent and their adult children to continue the parent-child relationship, rather than create a patient/caregiver relationship.

But, in the end, the one thing that is most disturbing are residents who have no one.  There are lots of reasons why people do not have visitors, but a lack of concern by family members is the most heartbreaking thing to witness. If you do find it necessary to have your loved one live in a nursing home, just be sure not to abandon them there.  They still need strong family advocates, as well as someone to just sit and talk and listen to their concerns.

And about that guilt, a wise priest told me one time to decide what is doable in terms of weekly visits, and then commit to that.  In that way, we can continue to carry out our responsibility to other family members who may need us as well.

Accompaniment is an important part of love.  Walking with each other is what we are called to do.  I am thinking of the mother of Jesus and how throughout his life she walked with him.  Her role wasn’t to take away his suffering, but to be there with him in it.

What a perfect model we have in Mary, the mother of Jesus.  As we celebrate her feast day on August 15th, let us be grateful for a wonderful mother who continues to be our advocate, even today.

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God bless,

Janet Cassidy
janetcassidy.com

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